pregnancy transformation

I’m not just talking about the physical transformation of pregnancy here. That gets talked about to exhaustion. I’m going to be talking about the internal, spiritual, transformation.

No two pregnant women are alike, that’s why everything we read is pretty broad, no matter the pregnancy topic.

This is going to be my own personal journey that I am experiencing right now, at 14.5 weeks pregnant.

About a month ago when my baby changed from being a technical embryo to a fetus I suddenly felt another human inside me. Not that I actually felt the baby – rather I felt the baby’s soul. I suddenly had this awareness that I was never alone and there was an actual soul residing inside my actual soul. From that moment on I’ve felt myself morphing into this new human I never was before. I do all the typical things you read about like talk to my baby, touch my belly, and so forth and all of that is so natural to me while before it would have felt unnatural to do. It’s hard to describe this feeling.

At night I take an epsom salt bath for 45 minutes before I eat a hot cereal and go to bed. During this sacred bathtime, lit with candles and with lavender essential oil diffusing, I feel the biggest bond to my little soul. It’s a peaceful alone time, just the baby and me, without any distractions or voices or technology. Just totally alone. I talk the most to the baby during this time. I talk about my feelings, my love, the life the baby will be born into and the life I hope to give him/her.

I feel like I’ve been preparing mentally for this journey for a long time, rather, since the day we decided to start trying for baby in April 2015. I’ve always thought of pregnancy and birth as the most badass thing a human can experience, and on top of that, the most raw. People and animals have been having babies the world over since the beginning of time and 99.8% of those people have been doing it without medication. In the grand scheme of things, most women have given birth in a comforting environment surrounded by loved ones and people they trust. Only in the recent past has giving birth been turned into this cold, sterile, medical, drug induced horror show. Birth is not a horror show, but that’s what keeps getting breathed down our throats in books and media and by doctors and ob-gyns, and sadly even by family members and loved ones.

Pregnancy and birth is the most primal and animalistic experience of a woman’s life. It’s the closest we will ever get to our raw, wild, unhinged, and primal selves. Personally, I think that’s fucking badass and that’s been a big motivator in why I’ve been so passionate about experiencing pregnancy rather than just adopting or hiring a surrogate mother (which was an actual fear of mine when it was taking so long to get pregnant and I fretted that it may not happen to me). Don’t get the wrong idea here, I am a major advocate of both adoption and surrogacy, I just always knew that I needed to experience these magical and spiritually life-altering 9 months of my life.

I don’t plan to have a second child, only this one. Perhaps that’s why I’m really reveling in every aspect, internal and external, of this pregnancy.

I know nothing goes entirely as planned, least of all pregnancy. I would certainly love to have a home water birth but I’m trying not to get my hopes up that everything will be as blissful and orgasmic (yes, I said orgasmic – many women describe the moment of pushing the baby out as feeling as wonderful as an orgasm) as I’d like.

I’ve read the books written by Ina May Gaskin (Spiritual Midwifery and Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth) that talk of her and her midwife team’s special skill set of being able to help women vaginally birth breeched babies or any form of fetal dystocia. I’m sad that it’s not taught to all midwives and ob-gyns. Instead, if the baby isn’t perfectly positioned they rush you to have a cesarean section. C-sections are not always as necessary as we are lead to believe, particularly in America.

Birth is only painful and scary if we believe what society wants us to believe. The power of suggestion is a very real and powerful thing. If we choose to meditate on a happy and healthy and beautiful delivery then we will get our wish. So, that’s what I’m doing. I’m reading beautiful and positive birth stories. I’m meditating on my pregnancy and my baby and the kind of delivery atmosphere and frame of mind I want and truly need.

I couldn’t be more excited.


One Reply to “pregnancy transformation”

  1. I’m 12 weeks pregnant and want to go back through your pregnancy posts because they are comforting to me. I don’t have many women in my life I can open up to about the journey and about home birth. The last couple days have been scary even as my husband triggered me and then for the next 24 hours I went through a depression (similar to what you sometimes hear with postpartum depression) where I didn’t want my baby or feel love for him/her. When I told my husband he said, “That’s despicable.” But it’s not true! It was an outer force acting on me and I was powerless to contend. Anyway, just letting you know that I’m looking forward to reading your pregnancy diary.


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