the depression of defeat (a sob story)

No, I’m not talking about the election, although that is a depressing defeat. I’m talking about my life at the moment.

Yesterday I reached my limit. I sobbed pretty much non-stop from 1-8pm and then it picked up again this morning. I’m talking ugly cry. The kind of weeping that leads to vomit.

I have been feeling so great lately. So strong emotionally, and proud of myself and my attitude. I have been actively practicing manifestation. Actively “choosing joy” over and over throughout the day. Proclaiming “today is beautiful” upon awakening every morning. Living life with a smile and through all that getting to know this beautiful thing called Patience that I had lost touch with for so long.

Yesterday morning the sun was shining, it finally felt like winter, and I woke up feeling refreshed. On my way into work I proclaimed aloud, to myself, how proud I was of how well I’ve been doing and how grateful I was that even tho I have pregnancy aches and pains at least I’m not bed ridden like some women, or still vomiting like I was in the first trimester. I. Felt. Great.

Then my boss tells me business is too slow to afford to letting me work my current schedule and they are cutting my hours. I’m not upset at my job. Let me explain that my job has been everything for me since moving to Taos. My bosses are like family and the business is tiny enough to feel like I work for friends. It’s been flexible, forgiving, and has helped us financially in a lot of ways. But the timing couldn’t be more terrible.

You see, just like the rest of America, I don’t get paid maternity leave (I can’t even be mad about that at my current job because it’s just too small a company to really expect it). This means we have to scrimp and save every last penny to cover 8 weeks of my not working once the baby is born in March/April. Additionally, the baby arrives during tax season. And on top of that my insurance doesn’t cover all of my midwives fees (although, I’m just really grateful my midwifery accepts insurance at all, as most don’t). Let’s just say we have 4.5 months to come up with several thousand bucks on top of our regular monthly bills and then yesterday I find out because of my cut hours we’re not making enough to even come close to saving anything.

The news of cut hours came as a blow. I know it’s the Universe or God or The Dude (whatever you call it/him) testing me but REALLY?! It picks now to test me? I suppose that’s the point. My faith certainly feels tested.

Then the power went out at work in the building and doesn’t come back on for the two hours I’m sitting there in the dark cold office so I just leave and go home at 1pm feeling pretty overwhelmed and defeated and depressed. That conflicting thought process of “omg we’re going to end up on the streets with an infant!” and “stay strong, find joy, this is a test, prove to the Universe that you’re up for it!” constantly going back in forth in my head is rather exhausting and soon the waves of tears came.

Then came the pain. OMG the pain. I always prided myself on my high pain tolerance but this was too much on top of the mental anguish I was already feeling. Suddenly I couldn’t stand, or walk, or bend, or especially pee without crying out in anguish. I couldn’t do anything and Jonathan was at his friend’s after work until 7pm. I was alone and couldn’t move.

The tears kept coming. I felt defeated. I begged Jonathan to leave his friend and get some epsom salt (we were almost all out) and come rescue me (let me point out that this is also really painful for me because I am not good at asking for help, especially when it comes to day to day stuff that the average joe can do. It took a lot for me to ask him to come help me). He came home and drew a bath. I got in and called my midwife who urged me to go to the ER ASAP on the chance that it’s a UTI, based on the symptoms I told her I was experiencing. We head to the ER around 8:30 and sure enough that’s what they decided it is. They send me home with antibiotics around midnight and I’m 100% beat (and starving).

I got about 8 hours of sleep but today I still feel like I haven’t slept in ages. I. Am. Defeated.

Between finding out the baby’s gender, finally; busting my ass in the studio on these two massive leather orders (still not close to being done and due in just a few days); cleaning the house in preparation for my in laws arriving today; aches and pains and now UTI; number crunching a few days ago and already knowing it’ll be close to impossible to come up with the money needed when the baby arrives; then finding out my hours are getting cut yesterday and thus proving we have no way to afford…life…once the baby comes in spite of all the hard work we both do.

I know if I think rationally then everything will be okay but that’s just no possible right now as I deal with this pain and total exhaustion.

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