on the end of breastfeeding…

Here’s some quick real talk for you. One of the main things on my mind lately is saying goodbye to breastfeeding. I had this dream of breastfeeding til 2 or even 3 years old but that’s just not in the cards for my body and it’s been a multi month mourning process. It’s funny how no matter how laid back you are and how thankful you may be that your child got -some- breastmilk, and is at least getting fed, you still can’t help but mourn the loss of an ideal. I think it’s so hard for me because I know I won’t (can’t) have more children so the end of breastfeeding -and the incredible connection that brings between mother and child- is extra heartbreaking. It’s been such a beautiful time and I’ve relished every moment of it. Especially him feeding and looking up at me with those big eyes while his hand strokes my chest. Ever since I had to start sleep training him a month ago, which resulted in him sleeping independently in his crib, he’s drastically cut back on nursing. He no longer needs it to sleep and now prefers the instant gratification of the bottle. I try to pump but can only get 1oz a day from my right breast and only 1 or 2 drops from my left.
Mothers who don’t have trouble breastfeeding are often able to continue until they decide they don’t want/need to anymore and it’s thus a more peaceful decision. For me, and other mothers who just can’t produce enough, it ends before we’re ready and we don’t have a choice in the matter.
Time is a wild ride and so far I’m not such a big fan of it…
While I love, love, love his age and stage right now and all along the way I also wish I could go back to the days just 2 months ago when he nursed 4 hours in a day (still low compared to exclusive breastfeeding mothers). He only nursed for 3 minutes today…and only on one side.
I’m going to cry myself to sleep now…

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