So you could say I’m being a bit over dramatic or too sensitive or whatever but I’m going through a lot feelings this week. It’s a doozy. And maybe I’m being a little repetitive but writing out my feelings has always been the therapy I need to keep from going down the rabbit hole of depression. How’s that for real talk?
Theo’s last nursing “session” was 3 days ago (August 25th).
My period just started for the first time in 14 months.
5 months ago today I was in labor.
Theo will be 5 months old tomorrow.
And I’m feeling super angry toward my body which is a pretty foreign and uncomfortable feeling for me.
If you know me at all you’ll know that I’m obnoxiously all about self love. This feeling of disdain toward the body I’ve been given is so yucky it’s turned into a vicious cycle of being angry at my body and then being angry at my self for being angry at my body. Shit.
So, I need to write it out. Get it out of my system so that I can hopefully move on from it and work toward finding that self love again.
Bear with me.
I’m angry because I only have one functioning kidney and because of that I don’t get to nurse as much or as long as I’d always dreamed. I’m angry because it’s cutting short a beautiful connection that is felt only during the moments of nursing, a feeling I wanted to hold onto for a lot longer than 5 months. I’m angry at myself because of my opioid pill popping and bottle of red wine a night party animal days from age 20-24 further calcified what was left of my already frail right kidney. I’m mad because I’m not a regrets person but I’m feeling legitimate regret for the first time in my life and I’m mad because I know it’s stupid to feel that regret because I didn’t know about my kidney until I was 30 and pregnant. I’m angry because, even though I’ve long thought I only wanted one child, I now want a second child but my body can’t physically carry another one. I’m angry because instead of feeling joy when I see friends and strangers are pregnant I feel an emptiness inside. And then I’m mad that I feel that because hello, it took 18 months to get pregnant with Theodore so the only thing I should feel is overwhelming gratitude (and I do…don’t get that wrong…but I also feel an emptiness).
I’m also sad that my period started because even though I wanted it to eventually it also marks the end of an era with blood. While it’s already so painful that nursing is over it’s a double whammy to have my period start just 3 days later as a bloody flag announcing that the era of pregnancy, fourth trimester, and nursing are officially over. I find it appropriate that my period starts back up on the 5 month anniversary of the day I went into labor. I love how the Universe works.
Now I enter a new phase of motherhood and womanhood all at once and while I know I’m never handed anything I can’t handle I still don’t feel ready…